“A Dream is a wish your heart makes when you’re fast asleep…”
Why do I love tv shows so much?
Why do I get hooked to characters?
Why is it that I really want to be an actresse?
But I honestly dont believe that to be it.
If I were to dive back to the one thing that makes me me. The one thing that has stuck in me from the moment I were a small child and has kept me as I am today… Its that Im a dreamer. A daydreamer. An all time dreamer.
*But then dive deeper.*
Why do I love dreams so much?
I mean I even enjoy nightmares. And that has always made me believe that it was because they made me feel deep emotions. Emotions I havent felt yet. Scary, terrible, intense emotions that I honestly dont want to feel in real life. The death of a loved one, torture, rape, my own death… I dive into thoses terrible emotions that I would feel in such a circumstance and somewhat revel in it’s intensity; safely in my own mind.
Doesnt television and movies do that though? Dont we watch television and movies to escape reality and experience something intense and magical? To escape monotony, we go and watch other people experience something intense in the safety of our own couches or cinema chairs…
*But why do we try to escape so much?*
When you look at reality, its really quite bland. You go to school so that one day you can have a job that will hopefully both sustain you and be something you at least somewhat enjoy. You then go to work every day to gain money to sustain yourself and try to do things on holidays to entertain yourself; that it be travel or something as simple as watching a movie at the cinema.
Now when you return to your home after thoses holidays, you cant help but feel like you return to the same thing. The same hopefully not too boring thing.
Of course, the beginning of a relationship can feel movie’ish. You get all theses crazy rollercoaster emotions: fear, hope, flutters, butterflies and love… is it love? Yes! Omg Im in love!!! That moment when you first kiss and you feel like your heart is going a million miles an hour, like nothing in the world could feel so good; so right. That moment when the world feels like its spinning around you and your loved one.
But then, again, theses feelings fade. Well not fade per say, but lessen to a comfortable long lasting love. Like a fire burning down to hot coals. Stronger than the original flames, but less intense. Something you dont want to lose but that doesnt make your heart go wild every time he simply looks at you.
A kiss becomes a peck, a hug simply a nice comfortable gesture. Sure, its nice. But its no longer something that makes you feel alive as it first did. Im certain that’s the reason so many people break up at this point… Its hard to accept that the insanely intense emotions of the beginning are no longer going to be there. That routine and comfort will set in. No more freaking out when that person has turned to simply smile at you. No more butterflies and flutters when you go on a date. No more wild heartbeats simply because your crush touches your arm or holds your hand for the first, second or third time…
And perhaps that’s the main terrible enemy that we continuously fight: boredom.
And what is boredom? I wonder if it might not be the lack of any emotion. Yes! Thats it!
When nothing brings you either joy nor pain, anger nor wonder… that is boredum.
The absolute lack of emotion that makes you suddenly wish for something, anything to get you away from that.
Are thoses of us who get bored easier therefore more prone to feeling nothing? Or is it that we cannot accept that feeling of numbing of our emotions and need them constantly flared? For some, one activity will keep them interested and happy for years and even a whole lifetime. Perhalps for thoses like myself who bore easily, we simply need something new more often like a constant zap to keep us going. And like medicine, we start to need more and more to really feel alive. Could that be why I love adrenaline so much? Because it is the ultimate in one emotion or another…?
I know that I seek out strong emotions. However, since the strong emotions are hard to attain, I will often seek out any emotion whatsoever. And I have found that I therefore watch things to make me feel. I feel quite easily too. Give me a good or even simply decent story and I will delve right into it. Attaching to the characters as though they are a lifeline for me.
Television shows do that 10 times better than movies as they give you a lot of time to attach to the characters. They make you laugh, fear, cry and so much more with them and for them. Thoses deep emotions keep me going. Keep me wanting to find more.
When I think of acting, it is simply another, deeper, closer way of connecting to thoses characters. To thoses feelings. I often dream of walking in the shoes of characters. However, since I mainly love science-fiction and fantasy, as well as adventure and thriller movies, I know that this is an almost impossible dream. So I hope to experience this in as close a format as I can. Through the art of acting and impersonating a character.
Perhalps that is also why I simply cannot get up in the morning. I cannot get myself to pull away from thoses dreams filled with emotion and action. In my dreams, I experience much of the same things characters in what I watch experience. When I finally chose (or simply must get up for one reason or another), that is when thoses emotions disapeer and I return to reality. And reality is a void.
If I go to a doctor, he’ll tell me to snap out of it and to face reality. Face the fact that I wont be receiving a letter from Hogwarts come too late. That I wont receive a Pokeball to go catch them all. That I wont hear that wonderfull sound that announces the arrival of the TARDAS bringing The Doctor to whisk me into intergalactic space and time travel. I won’t suddenly wake up to discover Charmed like magical abilities.
He’ll tell me to wake up and face the real world. Try to find something real to focus my life on. But honestly? Fuck that! I think dreaming impossible things and remaining a silly dreamer is what makes me such a positive person. Because at least I still have hope to experience more. Don’t worry, im not completely bonkers *hmmm must be watching a lot of british tv to be using such a word, haha*, I know reality from fiction. But as when I was a young child, I simply chose to keep hoping since that magic is too sad a thing to lose. That magic of impossible dreams… impossible dreams you cant help but hope deep down (or maybe not that deep) could actually be possible.
One day perhalps Ill be happy to be living a safe life. Or hell; maybe Ill be living a more death filled life and be hoping for a safer life. I mean I dont want people to suddunly go dying all over the place on me. But I do want to live more. And for me that means experiencing more emotions. The fact that more than 75% of my life involves not feeling wonder and excitement, not feeling deep and intense emotions, hell, not even just living memorable moments, is unacceptable to me. I shouldnt be having such trouble pulling myself out of bed.
Life should feel better than dreams.
Perhalps that is the “dream” one talks about when saying: “Live the dream”. Perhalps it isnt just having a regular, comfortable, boring life. Perhalps living the dream is living life fully with memerable moments, adventure and happy little butterflies in your stomach. Living as though every day were your last filled with wonderful, exciting firsts at every turn.